I wish that I didn’t even have to have this blog. “If wishes were horses, beggars would ride” is what I heard from my Grandmother many times. She was an alcoholic too.
As I write this, I am wondering if there are any bottles left that I can’t find. Ones I hid while I was drunk. Like the 2 full bottles I hid last week. In the drawer with the Wii remotes. Where my son found them.
I created this blog so that I can be as honest and raw as possible and still keep my anonymity. This is real. This will be raw. This will be 365 days of documenting my struggle with alcohol. My story. RAW. Maybe one day I can share this, but for right now I am staying safe in hiding.
I have had many starts and stops. I keep fighting. Longest time I have had was a little over 40 days. 21 of those were in rehab. I can’t keep this up though. This isn’t livign life. This scaring my children. This is waking up feeling guilty and ashamed. This is hiding. This is self loathing. I can’t ever just have one drink. I want them all. All of it. More, i just want more. When you like something, you just want more, right?
I want to live again. I’ve always been a naturally happy person. I didn’t always struggle with drinking. But now I have to come to terms with not drinking for today.